


Vampire Hunter E

by pyrrhic_victoly



Category: Hetalia - Fandom, Vampire Hunter D
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Metafiction, Other, Parody, Vampire Hunters, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2013-11-01
Packaged: 2017-12-31 04:52:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1027440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyrrhic_victoly/pseuds/pyrrhic_victoly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In a dystopian future, humanity trembles before the ruling race of vampires.  Enter Eduard von Bock, dhampir, son of Dracula.  He is the mysterious Hunter known to the world only as "E".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vampire Hunter E

"Brother. _Toris_. He's been your constant companion since as long as I can remember. I can't imagine the two of you being parted."

"No, Eduard, it's fine. Please take him; I must insist."

"What do you mean?" Eduard looked at his brother, troubled and puzzled at Toris' uncharacteristic behavior. "Are you saying you're giving him to me because you don't want him around anymore?"

Toris, who was usually an upstanding, responsible person, seemed desperate in a way that he had not been since they had first moved in next door to the powerful family of vampires, the Braginskis. His eyes had not looked so tired or worn out since Ivan, heir to the legacy of Vlad the Impaler, had first taken him on as a vassal. Eduard was keen to know what could cause his brother such distress. He adjusted his glasses and solemnly waited for his brother to respond.

"Well..."

At that moment, Toris' left hand lifted seemingly of its own accord. His fingers uncurled, and ripples spread out from the flesh at the center of his palm. First, it formed a grotesque mouth, and then other features which would usually be reserved for one's face. A nose and eyes... In the next instant, there was a miniature semblance of a man on Toris' left palm, and it scowled at them both.

"Hey! That was like totally rude of you! Are you seriously planning to pawn me off to your little brother?" Toris' hand flapped and gestured all on its own, and spoke in a sarcastic manner. Eduard frowned as the took in the scene of his brother and the strange creature that was part of his hand. The creature, in return, pouted back at Eduard with a challenging stare. It then curled all but the middle finger down, though whether this gesture was aimed at Eduard, or Toris, or the unfairness of the world in general, was debatable. While Toris tried to explain the situation, his hand continued trying to talk over him.

"As you can see, the parasite in my left hand is quite the nuisance."

"I AM NOT A NUISANCE AND YOU CAN'T DITCH ME LIKE THIS."

"Yes, he's a nuisance, though he can be useful, albeit in ways that I do not require. However, I'm sure his skills will prove to be beneficial to you on your journey."

"OH, SO YOU DON'T REQUIRE MY BLOWJOBS ANYMORE, IS THAT IT?"

"Please stop poisoning my little brothers with your perversions. I swear, if you make Raivis cry again... Ahem. We've done nothing of the sort."

"WE'VE DONE PLENTY. SHOULD I LIST THEM?"

"I've never had sexual relations with my left hand."

"THAT'S A LIE."

"It is not! I’m right-handed. Eduard, please--"

"YOU JUST WANT ME OUT OF THE PICTURE SO YOU CAN CHASE AFTER THAT HUSSY NATALYA."

"Natalya and I are getting married. As fond as I am of my old friend Feliks, no matter how much of a nuisance he can be, I'd rather not have this sort of shouting match going on in my wedding bed."

"WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T?"

"A body," Toris answered succinctly.

Eduard chose to interrupt, lest the situation get more awkward. “Brother,” he said with a sigh, “I understand how difficult this must be for you, but surely you and Feliks can work things out; you always have.”

Toris let out a shuddering sigh. His voice was weary and resigned as he replied. “I know, Eduard, I know. But we can’t ignore the truth of the matter, that we’ve lost the war and the world belongs to the vampires. And while you have the chance to escape, while you are old enough and strong enough now to carve a place for yourself out there, Raivis _isn’t_ yet, and someone has to take care of him.

“I have to stay here where it’s safer. The Braginskis are fair, for vampires, and strong enough to keep other clans away. I’d rather keep living under their yoke than run the risk of Raivis falling prey to other vampires. In my youth, I went on many hunting trips with our mother, and I’ve seen what the worst of them will do…

“And that’s also why I think you should take Feliks along. If you’re truly set on becoming a hunter, I won’t stop you. But it’s the least I can do to offer you some protection.” Then he mumbled, “And it’s a little bit for Feliks, too. He should go hunting with you because it’ll be good for him to get out of the house… and because I don’t like the way Ivan looks at him, like he wants to chop my hand off at the wrist and burn it. Ivan overheard him making fun of his nose, you know? Evil overlords are touchy like that.”

And what was Eduard to say in response to his brother’s acts of love and sacrifice? His throat had gone dry. He swallowed a few times before he could speak.

“I understand. If Feliks is willing, I’ll be glad to have him along.”

"You _guys_! Stop ignoring me!"

Toris finally turned to face his indignant extremity. "Yes, Feliks? What is it?"

The hand-creature, Feliks, was suddenly silent. It pouted, then, and then its bottom lip (if it could be called such) began to quiver. It sniffled and said, “I’ll miss you, Liet.”

With a smile, Toris clasped his left hand to Eduard’s. There was a crawling, tingling sensation, and when Eduard pulled back, the transfer was complete. He gazed into green eyes shimmering with tears, and said, “Come, Feliks, our adventure awaits.”

He was Eduard von Bock, dhampir, son of Dracula. Steeling himself to resolve his hatred for his father's unholy blood burning in his veins, humanity's last hope rode off into the sunset.

 

* * *

 

"Uwaaah! Oh god! So crazy! So awesome! So crazy-awesome!"

Japan glanced up from the story he and America were writing together. His energetic friend was screaming like he did during horror movies, albeit without the clinging and the sobbing, which was a slight improvement.

"Are you all right, America-san?"

"Hells yeah! Thanks, man. Halloween is awesome with you guys here."

There were only the three of them here at America's house, minus the occasional trick-or-treaters who came by. Although he was curious, Japan politely refrained from commenting on England's absence. It was intended to be a small gathering from the start, as many of their friends were preparing for All Saint's Day, and many others couldn't spare the time to come babysit America on his own holiday...perhaps. But America usually extended invitations to England for everything, even his birthday, which was still a bit of a sore point between them.

It was quite strange. Perhaps it had something to do with the way America had run screaming to him about bloodthirsty fairies and demonic unicorns earlier in the evening. He did seem to be exceptionally prone to ghostly hallucinations once a year. Japan wisely kept his mouth shut about all of this.

"By the way, Japan, you're a great pal! Next time we write a story, I'll be the hero and you can be my sidekick!" America chattered on, gesturing wildly. "Or maybe you can be the quirky scientist who invents all the great stuff!"

"Ah, excuse me..."

America and Japan both turned to face the speaker, their third member, who had spent most of the evening so far handing out candy by the door; possibly eating some of it, to judge by the tiny smudge of chocolate at the corner of his mouth. Estonia wore a rather troubled expression as he read through the first page of their joint manuscript. "Excuse me," he continued, "but is there a reason why I'm the vampire hunter? Not to be rude, but I wouldn't know much about killing them. My people don't have very developed vampire myths."

"You...don't?" America asked, bewildered. Japan figured that this was yet another moment where he ought to keep quiet.

"Well...no. We have a creature called the vampiir, but it doesn't drink blood. It sort of just... lays on top of you until you suffocate."

"Really."

"Yes. Estonians are much more famous for werewolf tales."

"Oh." America seemed to have shrunk down after that quiet exclamation. Estonia, too, looked uncomfortable with suddenly having been upgraded to hero status. Not only that, but America was usually very reluctant to part with the role of self-proclaimed hero, and now Estonia felt bad for rejecting what could very well be a sincere gesture of friendship.

Things were getting a bit awkward, so Japan decided to rescue the situation with his powers of reading the atmosphere! He thought quickly, and hastily proposed a revision.

"Then we'll add that. You can be both, Estonia-san. Pop culture has dictated that werewolves and vampires be mortal enemies. It gives you all the more reason to hate them."

"Y-yeah, Japan's right, so we'll just fix this! You should keep reading at least until you get to the part with Poland. It's great. I came up with his lines!"

 

* * *

 

He was Eduard von Bock, ~~dhampir, son of Dracula~~   **werewolf**. Steeling himself to resolve his hatred for ~~his father's unholy blood burning in his veins~~   **the dastardly vampires, natural enemies of his kin** , humanity's last hope rode off into the sunset. **And by "resolve", he meant "claw them in the face and then bite them to re-death with his wicked cool fangs".**

 

**TO BE CONTINUED**

 

 

"...America-san, the tone of that last line doesn't fit."

**Author's Note:**

> This was actually written quite a while ago, though I never got around to posting it because I'm a flake like that. Originally, I had planned to continue the tale with Estonia meeting Switzerland and Liechtenstein playing the role of Doris and her little brother. So, that's what will happen if I ever write more snippets in this universe. (Or write America writing it? It's all so meta!)
> 
> It's not Halloween anymore... but here's a late Halloween fic?


End file.
